Today has been a good day for Ryan however there were more intense talks today about Ryan getting a trach. I have hoped against this day since she was born but as we move along this path with Ryan it is starting to make more and more sense for her. However thinking through that I am having a hard day. I cant help mourning over the hopes I had for her. Eventhough the trach could be temporary, it still hugely affects our lives at home and it puts Ryan back in for another surgery...but at lease we are talking about home...but I am nonetheless sad about this today. I think I keep waiting for that "break" to happen and to turn that corner and it sometimes seems to be farther off than I would hope. And I have been struggling with wanting to be strong and trust God with her and us completely versus just having real emotions and sadness. Then I went to the only place I can to find rest and comfort...God...and read this today from my quiet time book...
"Seventy percent of the Psalms are laments. These laments either originate in or are derivative from the praying life of David. David faces loss, disappointment, death. He neither avoided, denied or soft-pedaled any of it. He faced everything and he prayed everything.The craggy majesty and towering dignity of David's life are a product of David's laments."
This relaxed me into being ok to have sad or off days where I mourn for Ryan and things she has faced and quite possibly might face in her near future as well as renewed my hope in God. God has a plan and eventhough we keep waiting for that "break", God is still working and we need to be patient to see that work completed no matter what that might bring. We have to hold everything up to his refining fire and trust the outcome. We have to rest in His goodness and overall divine plan and just put one foot in front of the other. I cannot look too much in the future and try to speculate what that might look like for Ryan....for us. But rather look for God's hand in the moment and know that His plan is far more spactacular than any plan I could hope or imagine for Ryan and for us.
Thanks for letting me work through this with you guys. -michelle
"When the city came into view he (Jesus) wept over it. 'If you had only recognized this day, and everything that was good for you! But now it's too late...All this becasue you didn't recognize and welcome God's personal visit."